¡I Made You Proud, Spain!

Based on ¿What Happened to Spain? based on Spain 2014

Look, I perform again
Let us be honest, I was the best act of the show
I knew my talent would be a blow to you

Remember that ‘Man’ song, ¿no?
It failed badly
And Yami who went up and fell
Didn’t do exactly well

We had so much to gain
¡I made you proud, Spain!

Strife marked what was a crime
Runner-up Keithykat would have kicked some ass
At least they all possess some class

Relive all of the drama
Check it out on ScoreWiz or the pdf
¡Fui yo!, see, ¡WTF!

I’m glad you used your brain
¡I earned this, for Spain!

The tension was never-ending
But at the end I could slay
I’ve built it again, my reign
I slayed, for Spain

(Silly cow, you read the results upside-down)
¡Insane, insane, insane!
(Even Lina Hedlund knows you came dead-last)
My reign, I failed, for Spain

Came last, for Spain

Prying

Crying

Dyiiiiiiiiiiiiing

Sighing

(An epic fail)
¡At least I made the ALChive!

My result should be illegal
But one day I will be a star
Trust me, I’m completely sane
¡I’ll slay, for Spain!

Merging Never Dies

Based on Birgitta Haukdal – Meðal Andanna (Iceland NF 2013)

Mental scars, I’ve told you
Think I’ve healed? I’m better? No
I’m still having mental woes, it looks like
Wally’s found, but I’m forever lost

Merging never dies
You’re screwed when you start
Mind blends every pair I see in one
I’ve merged acne now
With stigmata marks
And a soulless doll
With its girl

Know too well it’s stupid
Thinking of how to mix things up
But my life’s become a game, I have to
Lina’s had a better day, I’m told

Man with Dracula
Pants with SchlagerBra©
Guacamole with some other scran
Katri Helena with Miss Lo unite
(it’s the same hairdo…)

And there’s no more need to kill half Armenians
Inga and Anush are merged, and they’re halved!
You’re very welcome, the hirsute and Aisel

I’ve merged #Almaia with pneumonia
Weird, but it makes sense in my head

Werewolves with crotch lice
Preggo maids with wines
There’s a Photoshop inside my head (Deepfake!)

Tried to merge two cows
Some bitch killed a cow
So the living got then
Merged with goat instead

The Wank Bank Robbery

Based on Albania 2004

Can’t concentrate on my spreadsheets with all your messages on Grindr
I’d rather look at your dick pics than spend all morning crunching numbers

Sat at my desk, I’m sporting a boner
Hours till lunch, need a break now
Could fake some tears @ death of grandma
’Cept that she’s died three times this month

I know I’m out of line
Your pics so clear in my mind
Can’t focus on the screen
Just watching the clock till I can pee

Loo break for me! Five minutes maybe
Need quick relief – my balls are blue
Click on your name, bulging like crazy…
Nothing to see but “Image removed”
Are you for real? I’m fit to burst here
And you delete my dreams of you!
Drives me insane! And who could blame me?
Can’t beat the meat to memories of nudes

(Are you for real? I’m fit to burst here and you delete…?!)

I’m pissed! Still hard, no time
I must unload or I’ll die
No joy from Grindr… Think!
Hot dick pics… I know! My Tumblr feed!

I haven’t been on here in ages
There’s got to be so much that’s new!
Wank break is saved, yay! No more waiting
Hang on, what’s this? Says “There’s nothing here”
Well, no big deal – there’s other pages
Bookmarks… Let’s see… But it’s gone too!
They’re all the same! Makes masturbating
harder than me. Now what do I do?

(Well then, let’s see) Let’s Google Chingiz… Yeah!
(Insta-friendly) Top half is nude
(In every pic) Guess that will do

I know it’s not ideal, but needs – they must, alright?
A hirsute Azeri will get me ’cross the line

Man

Based on Israel 1991

Man is the source of all authority
Yours is not to ask or understand
Man possesses wisdom like a deity
He signals with a gesture of His hand

Look to Him and wait for His command

Man is as tall as He’s attractive
There’s no finer place than at His side
Man stands, like a statue, strong and mighty
Dressed in garments fashioned from cowhide

Wear His collar round your neck with pride

Man likes loyalty
Man enjoys that you obey
Man knows when it’s time to eat
Or go outside
Man is your master, feeder
Alpha leader, number one
All that you could ever dream of Man will provide

Pride is walking next to Man in public
Happiness is resting at His feet
Man sometimes hangs back in open spaces
That’s when you should guide Him on His lead

He brings little bags and hoards your sh*t

Man’s security
Never should be compromised
Stay alert to risks and threats
From the outside
Man must have constant guarding
Home and garden
Day and night
Enemies go sling your hooks! Intruders take flight!

“MAN!!”

Man expends much time upon His haircut
Though of hair He’s blessed with almost none
Man sometimes confers with other primates
And they don’t call Him Master but Alain
(“Hi, Alain!”)

That’s except the ones He’s met online

Man’s humility
Makes him such a perfect guy
Man is all the things you love
Personified
Man smells of manly odours
Whiskey sodas
Sweat and grime
On a scale from one to ten
He’d score ninety-nine
Man is a hairy chest
A muscle-vest
Your B.F.F.
You will never leave His side
What’s that?
He stepped outside?…

“WHERE’S MAN??!!!”

He’s back again!
Welcome home dear long-lost friend!
Jump for joy!
How great it feels
To be alive!
Man is your fine, upstanding
Frisbee-handling
Boss and guide
When a tummy’s to be tickled
He will oblige

Man
He’s your action hero
Idol, Pharaoh
Lord and King
He is homo sapiens

w00f
w00f

You’re canine!

The Handmaid’s Tale

Based on United Kingdom 1980

Religious men run this country now
Laws have changed, the old name’s not used
And here in Gilead
My life is very bad
Everyone’s abused

“You tried to run away, up north, got caught
Now clean up toxic waste and slowly rot
Or else become a Handmaid, that’s your lot
All you can do – reproduce”

“In Gilead a Handmaid must wear red
The master here is called Commander Fred
You have to join him monthly on his bed
With his wife too”

There’s no escape from this harsh regime
Where a womb’s for the state to use
‘Cause I’m a surrogate
And there was not much else to choose

My former life’s just a memory
This situation could make me hurl
Though I’m their surrogate
I had a husband once
And a baby girl

I heard they took my daughter far away
I asked if I could see her, there’s no way
And if she can’t remember me today
I just wish they’d say she’s OK

I heard there’s a Resistance in this town
But that could just be rumours flying round
“Try not to let the bastards grind you down”
That’s what they say

There’s no escape, no way out for me
I’m condemned to a life of gloom
Unwilling surrogate
Yes I’m a surrogate, boo hoo

(But praise be…)
This very day, buying groceries
One secret package was slipped to me
I found, to my delight
Ten pounds of gelignite
Just enough for two

I’m not their surrogate
And now I’ll blow them up
Blessed be the fruit

LARPus Interruptus

Based on Portugal 2019

Roomie, tell your girl move over
I’m about to roll for a spell
Please man, can’t you see that your foreplay
Cramps my roleplay style

An’ watch out for my dice
Gotta roll a nine…and her
Ass’s on my dice
Move it aside

And now I summon an orb of burning light

[SEXY TIME SOUNDS]

Your writhing just upset
The arrangement of my dungeon
Now I won’t get far
In the quest for the Destruction +5 Helm
To excel, I need it for my campaign

Hey, you: go into your own room and close the door.
At least move over.

At least move where I cannot hear
Oh please move over
You’re on my magic morning star
Oh please move over
You could have done this in your car
Oh just move over.

It’s super rude to not move over
As I’m trying to kill this kraken
So I can level-up my warrior
Why not go to her dorm room instead?

I check if there is a trap
Roll for a save

I cast a barrier that’s for shielding my eyes

(Anyway) done asking you to move over
I resort to dark sorcery
Using Staff of Erectile Disorder
Now I cast End Fellatio on you

[CURSED OBJECT, SPELL DEFLECTED]
Could not cast End Fellatio on you

I fail…

Mysterious Woman’s Reply

Based on Poland 1997

Saw this post trending after my flight
Some guy laments his love at first sight
Tried all he could to find her, but lacked
Methods to keep her track

I have reached conclusion that I’m your missed romance
That long speech describes well your captivated glance
Though to each absurd claim
May I point out that you had a chance
Don’t you catch?
Could have had me, you twit

Yes, I’ve winked at you with my lips puckered
Signalled ‘come’ with my hand, are you blind?
Flicked my hair too, still you ignored every sign
And suggestion

Yes, I’ve been in the bathroom forever
The disabled, near gate 21
And logged into all the known straight hookup apps
Have you checked them?

Then I gave up when they called my flight
Flew all upset and unsatisfied
I needed a fling and you were right there
Now you still wonder where from I came
Am I French? (lol no)
Italian? (lol no)
Or from some made-up gulf by Iraq?
Have you watched (have you?)
My features? (have you?)
They’re as Slavic as fuck

Yet you failed to guess where I was heading
Though that night there was one other flight
From Knock Airport
Szczecin – it’s not hard to find
Where I’m destined

Yes, there.

Surely you could have spotted my name
In a giant font, I’ve had on my vest
I’m rolling a red-white Polish suitcase
School taught you no flags? Such a disgrace

Is there Darwin Awards for the singles
Who died craving for girls they can’t find?
I’m amazed, dude
Some men are so fucking dumb
I detest them, I detest them
(yes, you really have got to forget him)
(move on, find an intelligent guy)
That said:

Just in case you’re
Willing to give one more chance
Friend requested

SchlagerBra©

Based on Sweden 1985

♫ (Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh) ♫

I was invited for a date
But I was running late
I had nothing to wear
I looked inside my bottom drawer
And there I found, behold
An item I bought last year

Strap it on, push them up
Add two AA batteries
Close the hooks, good to go
And I’m done

It’s just a bra playing schlager
Matching music to my mood, oh yes
So underneath my dress
I’ll wear my bra playing schlager
Tiny speakers on the areola
And I think, if he will be impressed
I might get laid

♫ (Ailulu ailulu) ♫

The dinner really went quite well
And nobody could tell
From where they heard the music
To muffled tunes of Waterloo
We kissed beneath the moon
And then it switched to Shirley

Uber back to his place
Cleavage played “…die Brücke geh’n”
On his bed, something said: Jij en ik!

It’s just my bra playing schlager
Activated by my body heat
When he took off my dress
He saw my bra playing schlager
Playlists range from Sev to Carola
Honestly, who wouldn’t be impressed
By my tuned breasts

But later that same night I made one big mistake
I said that he could try it on
And now I’ll never know if it is me he likes
Or if just my schlagerbra!

He wears my bra playing schlager
Nearly every night and every day
Like, when he “meets a friend”
He wears my bra playing schlager
Who’d have known it’d be so popular
‘Cause each night, while I’m alone in bed
He’s getting laid

♫ (Boogaloo, Diggiloo) ♫

Armenian Genocide

Based on Denmark 2007

It was the systemic mass-extermination
Of half the Armenian nation
All discussion of it’s banned by Turkish law
Though it’s First World War
Feelings are still raw

The Armenian Genocide
1.5 million people died
Or no-one at all
If you ask in Üsküdar
The Armenian Genocide
Nor pars were chopped off left and right
And all the jan jans set alight

Starting in Abdul Hamid II’s rule
Pogroms were committed that were cruel
One can mourn with candles, even plant a tree
Or most solemnly
At the ESC

The Armenian Genocide
1.5 million people died
All were very old
Scholars say in Ankara
The Armenian Genocide
Spread diaspora far and wide
To write vague songs about their plight

The Young Turks’ objective:
No names ending “ian” in sight
Not exactly a Turkish delight

The Armenian Genocide
1.5 million people died
From Sivas to Van
All used to be Hayastan
The Armenian Genocide
Spared just 400,000 lives
That’s why it’s wrong to trivialise

Doh-oh-ohn’t deny (nuh-ny)
Armenian Genocide

Song Request

Based on Denmark 2019

Posh nightclub, V.I.P
Rich teenagers sipping gin
I’m feeling glittery
But mood’s still not kicking in
This place is a dive
The music isn’t live
This is inexcusable
Generic pop and such
But would the DJ budge
When asked something suitable:

Put Mana Mou on
Put Mana Mou on, I kindly demand
Put Mana Mou on
Put Mana Mou on, it means motherland
Just three minutes of
Your time won’t hurt
Especially when the sweetest tune is playing loud
To please the crowd
If you don’t have the track, it’s on the cloud

The nineties had awful trends
Like hip hop and funk-soul blend
But then, right out of the blue
Cyprus sent Mana Mou
Humankind survived
Salvation has arrived
Charm is unequivocal
And yet, for years and months
No club has played it once
DJ, don’t be difficult

Put Mana Mou on
Put Mana Mou on, I won’t ask again
Put Mana Mou on
Put Mana Mou on, don’t be inhumane
So please play for us
A Cypriot
Song mutually sung by siblings, brother plays Tzouras
The sister, not
And there’s four backing singers, it’s a must!

I bought two cokes and a beer
Spent kroner at the cashier
If you had some dignity
One song should be guaranteed
Can I see your boss
You may risk your job
If I hear no da-ba-dam
Come to think, I know
Where your porn is stored
Can I let your sweet wife know?

Enough with this torture
Use Spotify searcher, it won’t take you long
Well, thanks, but are you sure?
I’m really not too sure this is the right song
Let me check Shazam
It says it’s not
It seems to be En i Mana Mou Pou Ftei, you dumb
From ninety-one
Well, I suppose it’s also kind of fun