In the Freezer

Based on Karen Pálsdóttir – In the Future (Söngvakeppnin 2010) [live]

??????????

*Nom nom nom nom nom, hah!*
*Nom nom nom nom nom, hah!*

❄️

I was feeling horngry
I was feeling blue
I did crave something
To lift up my mood

Then I heard the buzzing
From across the room
Sounded so inviting
As my hunger grew

And now I wonder!
What is hiding
There in the freezer?
For me
Maybe… eyeballs?
Or is it ice cream?
In the freezer
Could be bees
(In the freezer)

Is it leftover bagels?
Is it frozen brie?
Is it purse piranhas?
Or just cows and pigs?

I’m not sure I dare to
Open up and peek
What if there is nothing?
Come on, come on, let me see!

What could be in there?
Frosty secrets
Inside the freezer
“Eyes-cream”?
Dolls in blenders?
No, that’s absurd, huh
In the freezer
I must see
(In the freezer)

*Nom nom nom nom nom, hah!*
*Nom nom nom nom nom, hah!*

❄️❄️❄️

It’s open (Mmm…)
I see it (see it)
The truth’s here
It’s just:

ICEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

(I-i-i-i-i-i-ice)

That’s all that’s in there?!
I don’t want that
This stupid freezer
Tricked me
Disappointment
Though I’m still hungry
Guess I’ll eat this
Stale old ICEEEE!!!!

(No need to wonder)
(What’s inside it)
What’s inside it?
(The same as always)
Bleeugheeeugheugh!
(Nothing)
Nothing?!
(You must refill it)
Ooooo…
(With snacks and eyes, miss)
Pupils…
(In the freezer!)
In the freezer!
(In the freezer!)

Estonian Cowgirl Reprise

Based on TseSho – Hate (Vidbir 2019)

(Hate)
(Hate)
(Hate)
(Hate)

I hate you
You hate me
(Hate)
I hate you
You hate me
(Hate)
I hate

(Hate)
(Hate)

I’m against optimism
I’m against pessimism
I’m against Anton Haggman
I’m against Thomas G:Son
I’m against Feker Libi
I’m against Eden Alene
I’m against ALC
I’m against everything

I hate you
(Hate)
You hate me
(Hate)
I hate you
(Hate)
You hate me
(Hate)
We hate

Hate society
Hate people
Hate myself
Hate this day
Hate music
Hate Eurovision
Hate art
Hate pride
Hate winter
Hate summer
Hate these lyrics
Even hate this song

I hate you
(Tell me kccc)
You hate me
(Why I gave you 20)
I hate you
(And you repay me)
You hate me
(By blanking my entry)
I hate

(Hate)
(Hate)
(Hate)
(Hate)

*screams at an Icelandic hill for 20 seconds*

(Hate)
Help me
(Hate)
Please
(Hate)
Win next
(Hate)
Year

Urk’s Files: The Day That Urk Stood Still

Based on Netherlands 1996
Maxine & Franklin Brown — De eerste keer

? Strange alien sounds in forests of Urk ?

Naj nanana, nana
Nana, nana, nana
Nanana, na nana, nana la
Lala, lala…

We search for all things paranormal
And strange, secret shit
Yet every time you’re always the sceptic

Sure, we solved the case of Bigfoot
But with science in mind
These wacky sightings have to be bogus

Whoa-oa-oa

Case 8-1-X-11:
Cryptids singing “Baby, Baby”

When disco lights appear
All Urkers shake in fear
Nicole and Hugo’s screams
Can cause burns in each ear

First seen in Luxembourg
They wandered north to Urk
The truth is out there, still it’s quite weird
Time has come to join these dots…

? Autopsy of a burnt ear victim including a will-they/won’t-they kiss scene ?

Make yourself useful then
We’re not here to screw around!
Watch out for an alien twosome

Oh, I set a trap with M&Ms
Forgot they liked sprouts
But look! They’ve left a trail we can follow

? Points torch at a sequence of sequins ?

Oh…

Whoa-oa-oa

Crap, we’ve caught their attention!!

Activating…

Muff protection!!

Rushing to shield our ears
The beings disappeared
A glimpse is all we saw
But still their spaceship’s here!

Let’s bash their back-doors in
It looks like foil of tin
We’ll find the Captain’s Log on their Bridge
To work out what’s what

? Maxine finds a panel covered in Phlegm, language of the aliens ?

Could this be an evil plan for a massacre?
Great Scott – over here! Ain’t this a flux capacitor?!

Whoa! Oh? Oh!? Oh!! Oh!! Oh‽
¿Oh? ¡Oh! ¿¿Oh?? ¡¡Oh!! ¿¡Oh?! ⸘⸘Oh‽‽
Yeah! ¡Yeah! Yeah!

? Console displays “2003” amidst alien letters ?

It seems they’ve fled the scene
Inside a time machine
So why then had they come?
They just think ESC is fun

Disguised in brand new skins
From fresh-dug graves or bins
Their “Project Jemini” might win but…

Look what’s next ?

It’s “Still in Love with You”

Fruit & Veg Stall

Based on North Macedonia 2006
Elena Risteska — Ninanajna

Come here boy
Let’s do a trade boy
I’m a grrr-eengrocer

‘O-, o-, o-, o-, o-, oh
O-, o-, o-, o-, o-, ahhh
O-, o-, o-, o-, o-, o-
O-RANGES!’

Melons what I got boy
And melon’s what you need
Come drink in this juicy flesh
I’ll take care of the seeds

I open up by 8am
And finish half past two
But if you wanna kumquat after hours
I’ll hold some back for you

Berries ripened with untamed desire
Mangoes? Citrus? Yeah, I can supply ya’
Come taste my passion fruit
Here, grab an easy-peeler

Let’s add heat into our jambalaya
Chillies sourced from the lands of the Maya
I know you feel it too
Boy, I got five-a-day for you

‘ai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, lai
lai, lai, lai, lai, lai, LIMES!’

This week’s special offer is the tasty cantaloupe
You and your fiancée can come here for three-for-two

I’m exotic like the mangosteen
And smooth just like a peach
You see the jackpot in this fruit machine?
I’m gonna give it to ya’

‘Wet your mouth on my slice of papaya’

I can see you’re a discerning buyer
Watch as I squeeze the juice
Out of two ripe satsumas
Dragon fruit? In the trade it’s pitaya
Vitamins? I have all you require
I got a pear for you
Come here and feel my honeydews

‘Oh, oh, oh’

You found your way here to my market stall
With hunger in your eyes
And fire in your soul

All my stock is sourced organic’ly
My hygiene rating’s good
No others can compete, no!

Quit late nights eating trash at the diner
Boy your taste buds deserve something finer
Let’s take this all the way
Get out your Apple Pay

Message me with some fruity emojis
No dickpics SMS’d to my phone, please
This girl is not obscene
But she’s a fan of aubergine
??

Now unzip the banana

Breathe (June 1st)

Based on Netherlands 2014
The Common Linnets — Calm After the Storm

Suffocating silence
Here at 16th Street and I
The angry crowds beside me
All want answers why

Livin’ in the cursed kind
Of what’s called “interesting times”
No one feigns ignorance
‘Cause we could see the signs

Dark clouds are all I see
A Monday in DC
And all I wanna do is breathe

Lungs cry for justice
Tear gas in my eyes
The Square they call Lafayette
By force brought into line

I just want for Black Lives
to Matter just like mine
But the unnamed force invading
Thinks fascism is fine

Dark clouds are all I see
A Monday in DC
And all I wanna do is breathe

Eight forty-six and life is gone
There’s no moving on
When all we wanna do is breathe

Maybe come November
We can breathe again
Someday soon, if ever
And if not now, then when?

Dark clouds are all I see
A Monday in DC
And all I wanna do is breathe

There’s no liberty
When all we wanna do is breathe

Breastfeeding Woman Spontaneously Lactates While Watching The Mandalorian

Based on Slovenia 2020
Ana Soklič — Voda

? Baby’s awake: cue lactic flood.
There’s nout I can do – milk just comes.
Endless gallons to share ? everywhere,
wanted or not.

[Later]

He’s sleeping. Should we see then what’s new?
We haven’t watched that show yet –
that Star Wars one. It’s sci-fi.
That won’t set me off… ?

[Gets to the end of the first episode]

Yoda!
Who you kidding? Course it’s him!
Those big ears, the dark eyes.
Yoda baby!
So adorbz! Oh – here it comes… ?

[Goes a bit mad between episodes]

I’m almost ashamed how much I care
about this green ball of fun.
All the gifs I’ve shared on FB…
The pictures on WhatsApp…
More than our own son’s!

[Starts on the second episode]

? Yoda!
Every time that he appears
my jubblies start pumping.

[Then]

JAWAS!
Got enough to feed them all! ?

Get the pumps out! I’m in floods now –
and I don’t mean crying tears.
I love my Yoda baby!
Maybe more than our own one.
Well, not more – but it’s close-run…

That’s What Snacks Are For

Based on Ireland 1975
The Swarbriggs — That’s What Friends Are For

When you’re horngry, when you’re blue
When you need someone to cuddle
But there’s no one there for you
If your monday’s grey and rainy
Your dog just wet your floor
That’s what snacks are for

Bagels and condiments
Or a chocolate swirl
Dill crisps and M&M’s
Ice cream with lemon curd
Making you feel much better
They’re never telling you no
If that cake needs a second munch
Don’t refuse it, have more

If you’re tired, or you fell
When you ran ‘cause you were hurrying
But that train still said farewell
But there’s always nibs to help you
And comfort you once more
That’s what snacks are for

Brie cheese and babybels
Hot doritos too
Peanuts and easter eggs
Bacon, potato loops
Making you feel much better
They’re never telling you no
If your mouth wants another smash
Let it have it again

So remember, take a bite
There’s a time and place for everything
And for snacks it’s all the time
If that dinner left you very full
But now you feel quite bored
So you still want more…

That’s what snacks are for!

Irregularity Corrected

Based on Montenegro 2015
Knez — Adio

In 2006, a newly independent Montenegro discovered that it was still in a state of war with Japan since 1904.
You can read more about this, and similar cases, during this lengthy intro.

Had no independence war
Serbians just let us go
Not heroic, honour must restore
Dormant for a hundred years
War state with the Japanese
Logic would be: reconcile in peace

No way, where’s the fun in that? Soon this people
Launch offensive on Japan, and we’re lethal
Mighty air force who have learned your Bushidō
Flying raid braidcopter men drop torpedoes

Force of Rambo’s troop marines
Emptied all your pockets clean
Yenless, try seppuku, for respect
Programmed all your game machines
Letting game parts out their screens
Blast down Tōkyō Space Invaders shall

Your intelligence won’t crack such hard lingua
Watermelon has own word, big enigma
ASIMO just could not match Žižić She-Bot
Samurais: who’s braver, then?

War! War! War! War!
War! War! War!
Die!

Your castella has become priganica
Kyōto’s made as boring as Podgorica
Tactics of abuse we have learned from Tito
Time to raise a big white flag
Akihito

Gina Genocide

Based on United Kingdom 1996
Gina G — Ooh Aah… Just a Little Bit

My death toll is incredible
With 80k slayed yesterday
Apartheid sets my heart ablaze
I like it rough in the Gulf

Not just one, I’m on every side
My protégés, all learn my ways:
Amplify pre-existing divides
Take opponents and stoke differing views

I am Gina Genocide
Known as the bringer of war
Bodies fall into the pit
As I’m screaming out for more

I am Gina Genocide
See me, and quiver indoors
I stock all your weapons kit
Like guns, a virus or C4

Donald Trump: helped out his campaign
Meet twice a week, covfefe
Things look bright in the USA
With Moscow in full control

Things heating up in Kathmandu
Nepalese are ill at ease
Reconciled, since 2006
But nothing’s peaceful, when your Gina comes through

I am Gina Genocide
Pop up, and trigger world wars
Shot the Archduke Ferdinand
On that bridge in Bosnia

I gave Hitler syphilis
Sculpted his awful face hair
Brought the Allies into it
Helped Truman bomb Hiroshima

Hey world!

Come join my death parade
Oh… yes we need you
Bring your national pride
And give to me your life

Oooh
Come on this is it, we’re headed for war
To the Gaza strip
(Arm the missiles)

Don’t be hypocrites, it’s what you’ve called for
Kill the immigrants
Whoaaa

Through the rise of populists
Hate crimes are starting to soar
Using messed up politics
Empathy has been destroyed

It’s me at the heart of it
Ginger, Great Goddess of war
I am Boggie’s nemesis
And hatred will prevail once more
(Yeah Yeah Yeah)

But now I’ve diversified
Next up, a new type of war
Deadly, and quite imminent
Climate change will kill you all

Feeling warm a little bit?
You are a victim of war
Gina Genocide!

Hypochondriac

Based on Ireland 1984
Linda Martin — Terminal 3

*Hightails it to the bathroom mirror*

Last night walked past that place – the Chinese takeaway that I got bird flu from.
Guess I should have known! Chicken chow mein to blame.
Now I feel much the same. Fear COVID-19’s been brought into my home!!

Only this morning in the papers I read: ‘Go anywhere near Asians and you’ll be dead!’
Twice now I’ve sneezed: it’s a sign!!

Closely inspect my face for some coronal trace.
My GP’s sure I’m wrong, though I’ve just explained. Like every time and case, says I exaggerate!
Can’t see me till next week, but that’s too late!!

By that time, well, to be sure I’ll be dead! “Here I am, calling you from my deathbed!!”
“Listen to me – you’ll be fine!”

Can’t he see that it’s worse than when I’d leprosy?
Scoffed at me, named some creams to dab on elbows and knees
“Just eczema, see?”
Take it easy? Not this time!

*Hightails it to the surgery*

“Can’t you see that it’s like when I had HIV?”
“Let me see – when we screened for that it turned out to be anxiety. Take it from me – you’re alright!”

No matter what I say, he just sends me away. Not even talking to me now on the phone!
I hope he feels ashamed and that he takes the blame when he hears that I’m gone!!

“Please go home.” (That’s what the eejit says each time I head his way)
“Please go home.” (So I email him, and feck it, I unload!)
“Please go home.” (“What’s not to understand, you odious little man!!”)
“Please go home.” (“I’ll be dead before long!!!”)

TERMINALLY ILL THIS TIME!!!!

*Ticks off all the things she’s had wrong with her*

Ectopic pregnancy post-hysterectomy…
Hot flashes just the same, with phantom menstrual pain…

Blood thinners – I take three, work out compulsively; ten minutes on a plane = thrombosis in my veins…